Tuesday, January 10

Marriage and sex

I was in the fourth grade, living in Germany, when my family visited Spain with a large group of friends, large as in they chartered a bus. One afternoon, a group decided to go shopping in town. There came a time when I had to pee. For some reason, restrooms were not available to the public back then. I was told to wait until we got back to the hotel. I used all the tricks I knew. I pinched 'it' as nonchalantly as a fourth-grader could. I squatted, pushing on the bladder, which helped for some reason. The urge went away for a while and then returned. This cycle happened a few times, until I couldn't hold it any longer. It hurt to walk.

So, I snuck away and found what I thought was semi-private: the corner of a closed shop, in the alley. When I started to let go, ah relief. Finally. After what seemed like only a few seconds, maybe ten, I heard someone screaming in Spanish. I turned my head and saw a man walking toward me, yelling and pointing his finger. Midstream, full power, I cut it off the best I could, zipped up, and ran. Pee ran down inside my leg. I took off my windbreaker and tied it around my waist. But, when I rejoined the group (and my parents) everyone knew what happened. There was no hiding it. My younger sister laughed a little and said I stunk. The truth was I didn't care. I felt better. It was all worth it; the guy yelling, peeing on myself, the temporary embarrassment.

That is what sex is like for men. We can manage the urge. We can tamp it down. We can distract ourselves. We can pray for strength. Eventually, men need, yes NEED sex... and often.

The Church says, "Sex is a gift from God. Sex is good for us." citing Song of Songs/Solomon as proof. They may even connote it is sex that makes the marital relationship separate and distinct from every other relationship in life. What I have yet to hear from the Church is sex has a powerful and Godly place in marriage because God designed the marital relationship as the cornerstone of the family unit. The intimacy of sex strengthens the marriage bond and is the difference between between a bitter distant relationship and the great romances women read about. A dead bedroom possess the power to obliterate the marital bond and thus the family unit. Dead bedrooms, by default, kills intimacy. It's the lack of sexual intimacy that propels spouses to find an adequate substitute, from adulterous behavior to pornography.  I've known a couple for years. They are in their early fifties. Their kids are out of the house. All sexual intimacy between them has ceased. I just learned he has resorted to watching porn. I know he'd prefer his wife, but she has been unavailable for a very long time. As a result of his porn habit, she's ready to kick him out.

God didn't make sex great for guys and horrible for women. Women are sexual beings and have things they like to do and things they don't like to do. They have fantasies; fantasies they'll never want to happen. Women find being intimate during sex difficult. There is the sex is bad stigma. There's overcoming the "good girl" mantra, that includes not only that good girls wait until marriage, but good girls only have sex in ladylike ways.

Generally speaking, one of Satan's greatest deception is the lie that women are the real romantics. Women don't know how important SEX is to a man. Women view sex differently; they are more logical and rational. Many women view sex has a way to get what they need or want. A bargaining chip, maybe the only chip that have. Women see sex as something fun to do, like going to the movies. Women do not, as all guys believe, always have sex for love or because they're seeking love or because the guy is special. SEX is the emotional manifestation of a man's LOVE and AFFECTION. It is men who believe the Disney version of love; the fairy tale and live happily ever after stuff. Men are the real romantics.

We are made to enjoy sex. There is a reason why one spouse loses their desire, or libido, for the other. If the low libido spouse cares about the other spouse, a mutually satisfying solution should be sought. Duty sex... we'll take it, but it is not what we want. Men want their wife to WANT to WANT him. Sex is so much better when a wife is thrilled to be there with her husband, fully naked, sexually passionate and intimate. For much of my marriage, I thought every married couple has sex 3-4 times a week. I was not aware until much later that was not the case. I thank God for this blessing.

Ephesians 5:25-27 instructs husbands to make the sacrifice FIRST. What does that mean? If you want more sexual intimacy and a better marriage, invest in your wife. Know her better. Do you get her? Do you make her smile? Husbands need to realize wives are sexual beings. Intimacy is the key. Intimacy makes sex great. Colorful. Intense. Great sex is a secret husband and wife share. Without intimacy, sex becomes beige, bland, tastes like chicken and nothing worthy to cherish or share.

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