Tuesday, January 10

Marriage and sex

I was in the fourth grade, living in Germany, when my family visited Spain with a large group of friends, large as in they chartered a bus. One afternoon, a group decided to go shopping in town. There came a time when I had to pee. For some reason, restrooms were not available to the public back then. I was told to wait until we got back to the hotel. I used all the tricks I knew. I pinched 'it' as nonchalantly as a fourth-grader could. I squatted, pushing on the bladder, which helped for some reason. The urge went away for a while and then returned. This cycle happened a few times, until I couldn't hold it any longer. It hurt to walk.

So, I snuck away and found what I thought was semi-private: the corner of a closed shop, in the alley. When I started to let go, ah relief. Finally. After what seemed like only a few seconds, maybe ten, I heard someone screaming in Spanish. I turned my head and saw a man walking toward me, yelling and pointing his finger. Midstream, full power, I cut it off the best I could, zipped up, and ran. Pee ran down inside my leg. I took off my windbreaker and tied it around my waist. But, when I rejoined the group (and my parents) everyone knew what happened. There was no hiding it. My younger sister laughed a little and said I stunk. The truth was I didn't care. I felt better. It was all worth it; the guy yelling, peeing on myself, the temporary embarrassment.

That is what sex is like for men. We can manage the urge. We can tamp it down. We can distract ourselves. We can pray for strength. Eventually, men need, yes NEED sex... and often.

The Church says, "Sex is a gift from God. Sex is good for us." citing Song of Songs/Solomon as proof. They may even connote it is sex that makes the marital relationship separate and distinct from every other relationship in life. What I have yet to hear from the Church is sex has a powerful and Godly place in marriage because God designed the marital relationship as the cornerstone of the family unit. The intimacy of sex strengthens the marriage bond and is the difference between between a bitter distant relationship and the great romances women read about. A dead bedroom possess the power to obliterate the marital bond and thus the family unit. Dead bedrooms, by default, kills intimacy. It's the lack of sexual intimacy that propels spouses to find an adequate substitute, from adulterous behavior to pornography.  I've known a couple for years. They are in their early fifties. Their kids are out of the house. All sexual intimacy between them has ceased. I just learned he has resorted to watching porn. I know he'd prefer his wife, but she has been unavailable for a very long time. As a result of his porn habit, she's ready to kick him out.

God didn't make sex great for guys and horrible for women. Women are sexual beings and have things they like to do and things they don't like to do. They have fantasies; fantasies they'll never want to happen. Women find being intimate during sex difficult. There is the sex is bad stigma. There's overcoming the "good girl" mantra, that includes not only that good girls wait until marriage, but good girls only have sex in ladylike ways.

Generally speaking, one of Satan's greatest deception is the lie that women are the real romantics. Women don't know how important SEX is to a man. Women view sex differently; they are more logical and rational. Many women view sex has a way to get what they need or want. A bargaining chip, maybe the only chip that have. Women see sex as something fun to do, like going to the movies. Women do not, as all guys believe, always have sex for love or because they're seeking love or because the guy is special. SEX is the emotional manifestation of a man's LOVE and AFFECTION. It is men who believe the Disney version of love; the fairy tale and live happily ever after stuff. Men are the real romantics.

We are made to enjoy sex. There is a reason why one spouse loses their desire, or libido, for the other. If the low libido spouse cares about the other spouse, a mutually satisfying solution should be sought. Duty sex... we'll take it, but it is not what we want. Men want their wife to WANT to WANT him. Sex is so much better when a wife is thrilled to be there with her husband, fully naked, sexually passionate and intimate. For much of my marriage, I thought every married couple has sex 3-4 times a week. I was not aware until much later that was not the case. I thank God for this blessing.

Ephesians 5:25-27 instructs husbands to make the sacrifice FIRST. What does that mean? If you want more sexual intimacy and a better marriage, invest in your wife. Know her better. Do you get her? Do you make her smile? Husbands need to realize wives are sexual beings. Intimacy is the key. Intimacy makes sex great. Colorful. Intense. Great sex is a secret husband and wife share. Without intimacy, sex becomes beige, bland, tastes like chicken and nothing worthy to cherish or share.

Monday, January 2

Sex and Lies... Part 2

There is nothing new under the sun. The game is as old as dirt...
Very early in a girl's life, mothers tell daughters to be “a good girl”. Good girls are well behaved, nice, a good friend, make good grades, trust their parents, stay out of trouble... and don't have sex before marriage. That's what bad girls do. So, boys are kept at bay. The message... “who you are” is way more valuable (and important) than "the way you look".

At the same time, those girls are bombarded with thousands of messages that portray women as sex objects. They learn to value, even idolize, the virtues of pretty, sexy, skinny, blonde... after all, they have their rewards. Capturing a boy’s attention is now a good thing. They are encouraged to want the sexual attention of the opposite sex. They are told it's perfectly normal. Soon, "the way you look" trumps "who you are".
Their value is now based on,"How well do you attract a guy's attention?"
That's when the game earnestly begins. All girls quickly catch on to be discreet when they go about attracting a man’s sexual attention. After all, girls who are overt and blatant about their efforts are whispered about and called names. The flip side to the good girl message is, if they want the sexual attention, if they like it, which they do, they're only supposed to want to be sexually desired by one man, their future husband.

In that context, these girls claim...
  1. The new game usurps control from the boys, putting them in control
  2. Hookups better meet their needs.
  3. Too busy to invest in a serious long term relationship with the opposite sex.
  4. Girlfriends have replaced deep intimate relationship with the opposite sex.
  5. Peer pressure.
Know that 1-4 are lies. Blatant lies. The girls know they're lying, as does the author, and yet it is portrayed as TRUTH.

The TRUTH is girls have always valued male attention above all else. It makes them more confident. Boosts their self-image. Can instantly improve their mood. But, most importantly, male attention increases their social standing with their peers... other females. The goal of this game is the same as it always has been for women: securing the attention and commitment of a man.

Girls say they have each others back, but they don't because they compete for a limited supply of male attentionthe top quartile of men. Attractive. Successful. Money. Tall. Athletic. Educated. Witty. Girls know half of these men are taken, leaving them to fight for the rest. These "numbers" likely explain why females have always been jealous, catty, and way too competitive. It is their nature.
In the "Male Attention" context, the lies (1-4 above) are a attempt, a rather transparent one, to redefine the overt behavior of attracting a guy's sexual attention as acceptable, even honorable, rendering sexual reputation as insignificant. Trivial. Obsolete as the go-to weapon to shame girls with a "high number" for the express purpose of pushing them down the social ladder, while elevating the girls who "play by the rules." 
This new culture is ultimately about changing the rules. They want the once shameful behavior, promiscuity, to be considered as normal, honorable, even courageous... anything positive. Make no mistake, the girls are the real losers. They have bought the LIE.

Sunday, March 13

The Truth...

Jesus says, "I am the Truth [John 14:6]  and if you continue in My Word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."[John 8:31-32]

The Presidential election cycle is once again upon is. It's been fascinating to watch Christian friends and acquaintances become emotional, unpleasant, condescending, insulting, and down right rude. I have experienced this personally, especially when I highlight the lies and deception of certain "Christian" candidates and why they accept such behavior.

The Truth is, where else in a Christian's life would he/she condone such deception and lying? Would it "not be a big deal" if a spouse deceived and lied? Is is acceptable for church leadership to deceive their congregation via lying? What about their child's teacher? What Christian would condone such behavior by their children? In their household?  

I can't fathom why deception and lying (and other ungodly behavior) are so easily dismissed as inconsequential when it comes to voting for our country's leadership. Maybe, just maybe, if Christians stopped condoning, excusing, and accepting such sinful behavior and if we expected, even demanded, men/women with godly character to run for political office, our choice wouldn't be who has the least ungodly character.

The truth will set you free. That's true because Jesus said so. But, that freedom doesn't makes the Truth more palatable. It does not magically make life any easier or prettier. It certainly doesn’t absolve us of the responsibilities the Truth requires of us... bearing the burden that we've been conditioned to believe, and even worship, Satan's lies for so long that we've become bedfellows with them. 

When the Truth exposes those lies, it hurts. It offends us. It angers us. We cannot hide from it. That's what God's Word does because its quick and powerful. Living and active. Sharper than any two-edged sword. It is a discerner of the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

So, why is the Truth so easily discarded for elections?


Tuesday, February 2

Sex and Lies

Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked, examines how teenage girls and young adult collegiate women pursue sex and delay love. She concludes that girls are the losers in this game. She does not soften the vocabulary, that's often raw and blunt, as she records girls and young women detailing their experience where "hooking up" ranges from just kissing to intercourse and everything in between.

Let me first say what every girl should know. Guys will gladly allow them to take charge in this chess match. To lead. Make the first move. Set the pace. And every other cliche, as long as they get what they want... sex. Why inform her she's been bamboozled? Can we be honest? This a great gig for guys. 

Hooking Up was a paradigm every girl, who was interviewed for the book, had believed they had created to engage in a sexual chess match. Their goal was to usurp the power from guys. They were now the pursuer, not the guy. The irony in that is every female eventually confessed that the casual sex, that defined their new aggressive culture, wasn't fulfilling, emotionally or physically. 

Why continue?  One, they truly believe they're too busy to invest in a serious long term relationship and their circle of girlfriends had replaced the deep intimate supportive relationship with the opposite sex. Two, peer pressure from those friends is a huge factor, if not the primary force, why they engaged in giving away what should be highly valued and precious.    

Most of the girls believed The Lie that they were in control and pulled the strings, when in reality, they removed the one part of the game guys hated. Hated. Loathed...which was the approach. Guys are willing to do almost anything to avoid approaching a girl, much less risk being rejected by a girl. Guys would rather not wade into that territory.  

The most vulnerable moment for a guy is right after he asks a girl out. All of that control has been surrendered to her. There is no escaping it, there aren't any loopholes, or fine print. Few things are worse than being rejected by a girl... a girl he likes. A girl that makes him look twice and get nervous. A girl that he's wanted to know, but was too afraid to approach. It's that girl he actually wants to impress and  a "no" from her can be a crushing, life changing event. 

Guys are happy, even giddy, to stand against the wall, watch the competition unfold between girls for their attention. The reality is girls haven’t gained anything, power or otherwise, when they now pursue guys with the expectation of sex set in advance.

Here is a tip, guys aren't picky. They will have sex with just about anyone. If he's not her first choice, so what? Not even her second, third, fourth... if I may, so what? Big deal. The outcome is all that matters. If the girl feels better because, she believes she's choosing the guy to sleep with and that's different than allowing just any guy to sleep with her, so be it. 

The outcome is the same (SEX). The guy's night ends as he wanted (HAVING SEX). He's happy and satisfied (GOT SEX). Again, let me stress, the best part (SEX), the sweet spot (SEX), the fruit (SEX) with no labor happened without the worst part, fear of rejection, and being removed from the game. He gets the same reward, without the risk.

In fact, in this culture, the girl assumes all of the risk. The risk of pregnancy, disease, sexual assault, and the emotional toll it levies. Guilt. Regret. Shame. Low self esteem.  Destructive behavior. Poor academic performance. The list goes on. Girls from the book confessed to being treated for STDs, being a victim of a sexual assault, and some were raped. Scars were left. Baggage now exists for the spouse to be named later to sift through and deal with.  

Most young women would love to have a guy be so interested in them, to "like them enough" to ask them out. Have dinner. See a movie. Anything other than "Netflix and chill" with an alcohol induced romp kicker to close out the night.  

What happens when men finally come of age and exert their natural instinct to be the pursuer? To be the aggressor? How does the girl respond? The expectations of a generation of possible mates has been established... wait and she'll come to me.

Females have grossly misjudged the male persona. They have ingrained in men that girls do not expect any kind of real commitment, and need very little effort, if any at all. 

Casual sex. 
Friends with benefits. 
No strings attached.

If a woman declines, fine... he will simply lean against the wall and wait for the next one, because he's learned a yes is easy to get.

What about the young women who, against peer pressure and societal expectations, demand respect, hold fast, wait, do not compromise for any reason, for any boy? They who believe what God says is good? Who trusts God's Word and believe she is worth waiting for?  Certainly not in movies or TV.

But, make no mistake, those girls win in love. Those girls will be blessed with a perfect guy who will be willing to pursue her, to commit to her, adore and cherish her, dote on her, love her, respect her, and encourage her to be her true self. It is that girl who will be blessed with the husband of her dreams. He will be the father of her children. He will be a man who will honor the privilege God bestowed upon him as the head of their household. He will lead. He will protect. He will provide. 

And, the sex will be what God intended.  What God designed. Intimate. Passionate. Physically and emotional fulfilling. All encompassing. Her cup will overflow. 

That's what should be celebrated. That's what should be written about, but isn't. 

That is, until now.