Tuesday, February 2

Sex and Lies

Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked, examines how teenage girls and young adult collegiate women pursue sex and delay love. She concludes that girls are the losers in this game. She does not soften the vocabulary, that's often raw and blunt, as she records girls and young women detailing their experience where "hooking up" ranges from just kissing to intercourse and everything in between.

Let me first say what every girl should know. Guys will gladly allow them to take charge in this chess match. To lead. Make the first move. Set the pace. And every other cliche, as long as they get what they want... sex. Why inform her she's been bamboozled? Can we be honest? This a great gig for guys. 

Hooking Up was a paradigm every girl, who was interviewed for the book, had believed they had created to engage in a sexual chess match. Their goal was to usurp the power from guys. They were now the pursuer, not the guy. The irony in that is every female eventually confessed that the casual sex, that defined their new aggressive culture, wasn't fulfilling, emotionally or physically. 

Why continue?  One, they truly believe they're too busy to invest in a serious long term relationship and their circle of girlfriends had replaced the deep intimate supportive relationship with the opposite sex. Two, peer pressure from those friends is a huge factor, if not the primary force, why they engaged in giving away what should be highly valued and precious.    

Most of the girls believed The Lie that they were in control and pulled the strings, when in reality, they removed the one part of the game guys hated. Hated. Loathed...which was the approach. Guys are willing to do almost anything to avoid approaching a girl, much less risk being rejected by a girl. Guys would rather not wade into that territory.  

The most vulnerable moment for a guy is right after he asks a girl out. All of that control has been surrendered to her. There is no escaping it, there aren't any loopholes, or fine print. Few things are worse than being rejected by a girl... a girl he likes. A girl that makes him look twice and get nervous. A girl that he's wanted to know, but was too afraid to approach. It's that girl he actually wants to impress and  a "no" from her can be a crushing, life changing event. 

Guys are happy, even giddy, to stand against the wall, watch the competition unfold between girls for their attention. The reality is girls haven’t gained anything, power or otherwise, when they now pursue guys with the expectation of sex set in advance.

Here is a tip, guys aren't picky. They will have sex with just about anyone. If he's not her first choice, so what? Not even her second, third, fourth... if I may, so what? Big deal. The outcome is all that matters. If the girl feels better because, she believes she's choosing the guy to sleep with and that's different than allowing just any guy to sleep with her, so be it. 

The outcome is the same (SEX). The guy's night ends as he wanted (HAVING SEX). He's happy and satisfied (GOT SEX). Again, let me stress, the best part (SEX), the sweet spot (SEX), the fruit (SEX) with no labor happened without the worst part, fear of rejection, and being removed from the game. He gets the same reward, without the risk.

In fact, in this culture, the girl assumes all of the risk. The risk of pregnancy, disease, sexual assault, and the emotional toll it levies. Guilt. Regret. Shame. Low self esteem.  Destructive behavior. Poor academic performance. The list goes on. Girls from the book confessed to being treated for STDs, being a victim of a sexual assault, and some were raped. Scars were left. Baggage now exists for the spouse to be named later to sift through and deal with.  

Most young women would love to have a guy be so interested in them, to "like them enough" to ask them out. Have dinner. See a movie. Anything other than "Netflix and chill" with an alcohol induced romp kicker to close out the night.  

What happens when men finally come of age and exert their natural instinct to be the pursuer? To be the aggressor? How does the girl respond? The expectations of a generation of possible mates has been established... wait and she'll come to me.

Females have grossly misjudged the male persona. They have ingrained in men that girls do not expect any kind of real commitment, and need very little effort, if any at all. 

Casual sex. 
Friends with benefits. 
No strings attached.

If a woman declines, fine... he will simply lean against the wall and wait for the next one, because he's learned a yes is easy to get.

What about the young women who, against peer pressure and societal expectations, demand respect, hold fast, wait, do not compromise for any reason, for any boy? They who believe what God says is good? Who trusts God's Word and believe she is worth waiting for?  Certainly not in movies or TV.

But, make no mistake, those girls win in love. Those girls will be blessed with a perfect guy who will be willing to pursue her, to commit to her, adore and cherish her, dote on her, love her, respect her, and encourage her to be her true self. It is that girl who will be blessed with the husband of her dreams. He will be the father of her children. He will be a man who will honor the privilege God bestowed upon him as the head of their household. He will lead. He will protect. He will provide. 

And, the sex will be what God intended.  What God designed. Intimate. Passionate. Physically and emotional fulfilling. All encompassing. Her cup will overflow. 

That's what should be celebrated. That's what should be written about, but isn't. 

That is, until now.

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