Today I learned...

I should be more transparent. More forthcoming. I plan to put down unfiltered thoughts. I am resolute to work out my faith in this forum. To honor and glorify Jesus Christ to the best of my ability. I vow to to share more and teach/preach less. I hope to:  

1. Know God Better
2. Write for Christ
3. Become a better story teller 

I learned I cannot watch Celebrity Apprentice or support Donald Trump. Not this season. Not the next. Why? Lisa Lampanelli's colorful language that makes Crayola blush and last night's tantrum was a doozy. The audience experienced new territory when she opened a 64-box-of-crayons (instead of the regular box of eight) and doubled down on meanness and vitriol. While I watched, I asked if I wanted my daughter to know her? If my daughter should view her as a role model? Would I want Lisa representing my charity? The answers were no, no, and no.

One's moral compass has been developed over a lifetime and is difficult to change. Character counts. It's vital and routinely dismissed. Character should trump profits and power and fame and talent and skill sets. Sadly, society doesn't value character. Most employers fail to understand character can lead to more success OR character can be expensive and destructive. Most employers fail to understand skills can be acquired and are easily taught.


Where does the thin red line bisect discernment and judgment? Jesus clearly states not to judge and yet I have judged.  Jesus clearly expects me to forgive, to love, to sacrifice, to pray, to help others, especially individuals I don't much like.  We are called to be different.  I am to carry a bag two miles... I am to give up my coat as well as my shirt.

The Christian community would advise my thoughts dishonor Jesus Christ. I am as unkind as the behavior that upset me. My thoughts such as... she is rude, she is horrible, infantile, insecure, bitter... or comments like... she backs the truck up and dumps a huge bucket of hatred on anyone she wants.  She is toxic.  Incapable of being nice, but as long as she feels better... are best left unsaid. 

I had those thoughts. They were real even though I haven't met her. I don't know her. I don't know anything about her life or the people in her life. I have no knowledge of the obstacles she has overcome. I don't know her family or her parents. I have not endured her disappointments and pain.

Below is a recent journal entry. A funny thing happened in my closet and this is me attempting to be more transparent with the hope someone might realize Christians are not perfect.

My Father, My God, My Saviour,

Please forgive me for I am a sinner. I can’t remember the last day I haven’t sinned in thought or in action. I need Your forgiveness in my life. I need You. This is my plea. This is my cry for help. May my cry reach Your ear.

         

I know why I haven't written to You lately or spent time with You alone in my closet. It has been a very long time since I pursued You in the manner You deserve. I say I love You but I haven’t consistently read Your Word lately. It has been too heavy to pick up. Your book is routinely idle for days. I say I love You and call You Lord, but I haven’t listened to You because I fear what You might say. I don't think I'm ready.

         

I know why my prayers are brief. They are easier. Less filling.  Not productive. But easier nonetheless. Short quick shallow prayers stink. They're almost useless. I violate my ‘Easier isn’t Better’ rule that I know to be true. Yet I continue with the brevity because I fear what You might ask.

         

I know why I stay where I don’t fit. A place where every fiber inside me wants to leave and never return. Where do I serve You then? How do I serve You? You command me to serve. I think I might be in the wrong spot. You tell me to slow down, to rest, and if I listen, You will place me where I snugly fit. But, I don't rest. I keep busy with nothingness. I good at it. I am scared of being disappointed again.

Although I know now my behavior is derived from pain. Pain that caused me to become stagnant. My wounds are gaping, so deep and bloody, I could only limp around some days barely breathing. Wounds with a stench so foul few dared to approach. I never addressed my wounds. I ignored the pain inflicted by Christians, by parents, by family, by friends and peers... the pain that has driven me from You despite knowing only You can heal me. Only You can help me. Only You can stop the bleeding. Only You can halt the apathetic infection. I know You are my answer and yet I stay away.

         

You witnessed me tantrum and riot and yet Your silhouette always remained visible. I see it now. You always kept me in sight. You wouldn't allow me to drift over the horizon to be lost forever. Your tether gave me room to wander, to explore, to question, and to doubt. You stood by and watched over me. You kept me safe. You loved me as I neglected You. As I ran from You. As I treated You poorly. You were faithful to me even though the faithfulness wasn't returned.    

         

Now, You call me by my name. I hear You as I did when You first called weeks... months ago. You tell me I have meandered through enough days without You. That my time on the waves has come to an end. I have gone far enough. You say it's time to enter the arena and fight the good fight once again. I don't want to. I'm not sure I have time. You know there are meals to cook, kids to care for, rent to pay, food to buy, pews to keep warm, and whatnot and so forth. I have a busy schedule full of Good and Worthy.   

         

Why do ask me? You know I have fought the good fight and lost.  And lost. And lost. And lost. I don't want to fight. I'm tired. I can’t endure the insults, kicks, beatings, lies, and mocking before I buy a ticket and enter the arena as a spectator. I'm wounded. I can't muster the strength to compete. I can only rise so many times before I no longer want to wield Your double edged sword and engage the unseen enemy. I do not want to wear a crown of thorns. My desire to fight has evaporated. Gone. 

I know King David rose time after time. I know the disciples did the same. Daniel was stripped of his home, his name, his culture and always got up. Joseph, Jacob’s youngest son until Benjamin, rose after his brothers sold him into slavery and rose after Potiphar's wife falsely accused him and rose in prison and rose after the cup bearer forgot him. I'm not them.

You ask me, "What if those men didn’t rise the last time... the time that finally became ‘Their Time’ in the arena?"

Father, if You want me to suit up, to don Your armor, You have to help me. You have to strengthen me. You have to heal me. I can't do it. I need to You. Until my wounds stop draining, stop oozing, until they heal, I cannot pick up my cross to follow You. I cannot lose my life and earnestly pursue You with this pain tagging behind. Whispering. Nagging. Taunting. Until then, I can only stand on the sideline and point and cheer. If You want to, You can make me clean.   

         

I ask You for humility. The humility to forgive those who have inflicted so much pain. To pray for them. To pray hard as my son might say. To serve them. To honor them. To oppose evil by doing good.

I ask You for the craving that I lost. A craving in my heart so I can pursue You, draw closer to You, and know You better. A craving where I seek You and Your kingdom first in all that I do.  

I ask You for wisdom. The wisdom only You give, the wisdom You promise if I ask. I'm asking again. The wisdom not to whittle away my time and talent. The wisdom of a life invested, not spent. I know life with You is so much better and purposeful and bright... even as we navigate the valleys.

I ask for the peace You offer. The rest You offer. Help me sit still long enough and experience Your presence. To know You are God. Jehovah. Yahweh. The Spotless Lamb of God. My Savior. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. You are the great I Am. The Creator of everything that exists. Bless me with the peace to listen and obey and know You will take care of me.

I need You and Your power to produce the faith to live a life worthy of my calling. To live a life worthy of my Saviour, My Lord, Jesus Christ. Help me do that. I come to You in Your only begotten Son's name, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Amen. 

Funny thing happened

... on the way to outrageous success and wealth and power.  Those goals withered on the vine and replaced.  I am currently in the middle monumental life change.  A paradigm shift.  My daily routine I have know for a decade is obsolete.  My rut gone.  Uncomfortable.  Lost.  No direction.

God has doggedly pursued me for a few years… not to save me, not to chastise me, but to get me to realize my talent… to give up my current ambition or my career.  To simply stop right now.  Immediately.  I am puzzled because I have never pursued a normal career.  In fact, I don’t consider what I do as a career.  what I have done is invest a great deal of resources to develop a specific skill.  I have worked long to refine that skill.  Clients now pay me to perform that skill.  I was in bliss because I was fortunate to earn money doing what I loved.  I couldn't wait for Monday morning.  Despite all of my effort and dedication I lived in the middle of the curve.

For almost a year I knew, deep down where only God visits, I would never achieve my goals.  But, regardless of the evidence before me, all of the unanswered prayers, the obstacles, the emotional pain, the failures... I buckled down, dedicated more time, studied, extended my hours, and plowed along carving my path.  I thought if I included God in my ambition, worked hard, and didn't give up He would see to my success.  God was my lottery ticket.  I finally conceded my desire and motivation may not honor God.  The time and money and resources I invested may not be what God wants.  I sacrificed, therefore I promise my family sacrificed.  My children were ignored at times.  I read voraciously.  Studied continuously.  Both good and worthy.  

I finally listened and now leave with memories of fifteen hour days and experience.  The skill I developed and refined...  I managed investment portfolios and retirement accounts.  I was once a fully licensed Financial Advisor and soon learned life insurance products, annuities, 529 plans, mutual funds, and other financial minutia did not excite me.  I focused solely stocks and bonds and eventually just stocks.  

I believe now, as I did then, people need sound, honest, godly investment advice free from any conflicts of interest, such as kickbacks or 12b1 fees.  God spoke to me through His Word.  My wife, especially my wife.  Failure.  TV.  Books.  My children.  And other professional traders and investors.  However, the biggest influence on my decision I should move on was mediocrity.  The one outcome I can’t stomach is mediocrity.  It's just enough success to keep you engaged in the game and yet no real success is ever sustained. 

The one avenue, the one method God spoke to me, not listed above is prayer.  Oh, I prayed.  I prayed for others.  I prayed for wisdom.  I prayed to be a great manager, a great trader, a great investor so... wait... hold on... so He, God could financially bless my clients… and of course me.  I prayed hard and long.  Those prayers were packed full of goodness with a chewy caramel center.  I listened in every area except...  How God wanted to financially support my family... His family?  His children.  

That makes me as a hypocrite.  That makes me a liar, even if I only lied to myself.  That makes me a person who held and worshiped idols.  It also left me in need of a Savior.  In need of a God who doggedly pursued me until I stopped forging my own way and slowed down.  Now removed, now less worried, I see my path would have destroyed my life.  God or mammon?  God or mammon?  I disguised mammon, redefined mammon, and confused mammon as good and worthy and godly.  Oh how dark life gets when what I think is light is darkness.  

It’s impossible, yes impossible, to listen to God if you are too busy doing or too busy talking.  I was both.  The nudge started years ago with:   

1. That movie was really close to being a great message about Christ but...  
2. That song is really close to sending a great message about what Jesus could do, but…   
3. Stand By Me, good movie but not appropriate for an adolescent boy.

I would pray and ask God to give my daughter something to watch that is well written, well done, and well acted and yet glorified Him.  The same premise applied to music for my son.  God asked what are you going to do about that.  I argued as Moses argued, “I can’t" and then proceeded to offer evidence to support my opinion... "no time", "not one lick of musical talent or ability", "I'm a math guy, not a arts and craft guy".  The only other time God asked that question, that same question, was when He asked me what I was going to do about my two year old son.

My talent, as best I can hear God, is being creative, more specifically writing.  I am not an artist.  I have no musical talent whatsoever.  I write for Christ.  My first attempt was this blog.  It is however, uncomfortable because it’s vulnerable… uncomfortable to leave the old way and move forward to the unknown… vulnerable sharing thoughts and opinions and dreams.  

I have previously posted Jay Bakker's question.  I now have my answer to... “Why do I get out of bed and why should anyone care?”  I got out of bed to serve mammon.  Not many people cared.  That is the real paradigm shift in my story. 

Have a good and godly day.